LyKe OmG mIdDlE sChOoL!

It's crazy how a fight between you and a good frined can determine whether or not it was a real friendship to begin with. Sometimes the outcome builds an already strong relationship or it can tear a relationship down.. which shouldn't be easy, so if it is, it wasn't worth it. I found out who my real friends were yesterday and it feels great to know that I am finally with the people I should be with and everyone else is just missing out on a great friendship. I am really just sick of 12 year old antics. We're not in middle school anymore.

I haven't been writing much, I lost my inspiration yet again. Grr.

Music: Shinedown - Beyond The Sun

Love?

Oh my gosh. This weekend ended up being awesome after all.
I got sent home from work around 6:30 Sunday night because I wanted to go over to the Fillion's for Lea's birthday. By the time I got there though she had already gone to her friends for the evening and today because there was no school today. So I just bought her a card, which was awesome by the way and gave it to her when she got home. She's so cute.

ANYWAY. Sam's girlfriend was there for the weekened again, and she was very quiet and very distant. Normally she is quiet and that's fine if that's the way she is, but I have met her before and she wasn't as distant as this weekend. I didn't think much of it at the time, but she was following Sam around like a hawk and doing everything he was doing. Sam and I would be joking around and she would grab his hand away like he was hers and no one elses. Whatever though, at the time I didn't notice. She went home today and when Sam got home from work she called to talk to him, I had been there all day with Audrey so I had spoken to their mom about the way she was acting and how weird it was. After Sam came downstairs in a bad mood and not wanting to talk to anyone.. I just said.. I am here if you need to talk to anyone and he said that I was actually the first person he needed to talk to about what had been talked about. So I said fine and we went to talk , and apparently she is jealous of me and whatever else she came up with as her excuse. I just found it weird, and she should trust Sam anyway.

I was debating if I should bother going over there on weekends when she is visiting, but they all told me not to worry about it and keep going over there because I am welcome and they like me so it's all that matters. It still makes me sad that two people are on the verge of breaking up because of me potentially. I do like Sam, but I could never break someone up, I am just not like that and I am respectful of others' relationships. I hope he just ends up happy, that's all that matters.

Anyway I don't think there is much I can do about that, only time will tell. On the other side of things Chris is no longer speaking to me, and I knew all along that it wasn't what it seemed like and there was no way that someone could feel that way. It gave me the light on the darkness that I needed to prove that I knew what was best the whole time. Sure, the guys you meet on the internet always seem to be the best ones and the ones that you can never be with, but they aren't the way the seem to be. I will meet someone. I hope.

Music: Dream Theater - Through Her Eyes

Yellow/ Commentary

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow...

I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called yellow...

So then I took my turn,
Oh all the things I've done,
And it was all yellow,

Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
D'you know you know I love you so,
You know I love you so...

I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
Oh all the things you do,
Cause you were all yellow...

I drew a line,
I drew a line for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
And it was all yellow...

Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
D'you know for you I bleed myself dry,
For you I bleed myself dry...

Its true look how they shine for you ....

Again with CP. I can't believe how much I miss him, and how much idiotic-love-sick-songs like this one remind me of him. I believe I may be going crazy, not in love, but in madness. I am mad.
I had a good night tonight. I worked until 10, which wasn't so bad, and then I went to the Fillion residence and we watched Click in AM's room. It was a good time, like a slumber party since we were all sitting around in our pyjamas watching movies and eating snacks. It's good to feel like I finally belong with a group of people. It's good to know I am always welcomed with them.

Music: Coldplay - Yellow

No Need For Conversation

TGIF.. Not. It's Friday and I have spent my day sitting around on the computer browsing videos and chatting in my pyjamas. Soon I have to commence getting myself presentable and make my way to work, which isn't going to be fun after having a week off. Oh well, I do need the money so I can't really complain too much about it. This year is proving to be more expensive every day.

In other news, Josh may be coming for a visit in February because of the Protest The Hero/IllScarlett show. I am moderately excited about that at this point. Also, Kaitlin is coming from PEI next weekend. I am very excited for that at this point, since it is so close. The closer that concert gets the more excited I will get. I guess that's all I have to say for now :).

Music: Shinedown - .45

An Evening Well Spent/ Dreams of Dusty Portaits

Another night spent with another amazing friend. I went to see P.S I Love You. Needless to say, I cried like a small child throughout the whole thing. Not even 15 minutes into the movie I had already begun weeping. If anyone goes to see this, please, for God's sake, bring a box of kleenex. You will need it. All of it

After the movie, Audrey and I walked back over to the mall and waited for a bus. Mind you, it was very cold. Then I decided I wasn't ready to go home just yet and I normally have a wonderful time over at the Fillion residence so I went over to sit around with them for awhile. Sam walked me home just because their mom always is worried about me walking home in the dark even though it's about a 4 minute walk, if that. Anyway, we made more plans for the weekend. I have to work Friday, Saturday and Sunday, but I'm going to go over there tomorrow night after work and Sunday night as well since it's the youngest Fillion's birthday. I'm really happy that Audrey and I are becomming good friends; I don't have many girlfriends to go see sad movies with and to just hang out and talk. Guys aren't always good for that :P.


Other than those few things this weekend will be a good time for me to catch up on some much needed sleep. After a week of hanging out with the Team and going to all my exams I have been quite tired. Ahh well, first semester is over now and it seems like the rest of the year is only going to go by faster. It's so crazy that I will finally get to graduate, but now that I'm at this point I'm getting scared. I have no idea what I even want to do and feel so unprepared for the "real world". I guess I will have to just throw myself out there and hope it works.


Dreams of Dusty Portraits


Dreams of the future and nightmares of the past bring me to where I am,
I'm haunted by photos of old people who have acheived something and of dusty portraits,
Tomorrow is another day filled with lost hopes,
But I'm still dreaming.


I still hear your lingering words and talk of 9-5 and coffee runs,
How you always wanted a life filled with post it notes, staplers and those same dusty portraits,
And you don't regret anything, or any choice,
But you still don't know who those people are.


I used to like those dusty portraits and wondering about those people that achived something,
I never liked enclosed spaces, or had to much of a liking for staplers,
So instead I walk in the park some mornings and drink coffee alone,
And I'm still dreaming.


I just had an idea from my talk about not knowing what I want to do when no longer tied down by school and this just spewed out of my head. It may be repetitive, but that's the beauty of it.

You Don't Care About Anyone Other Than Yourself

Oh my Lord. Exams are complete . That was one mission I wasn't sure I was going to get through. I did, and I think I did resonably well considering how little I studied. Now it's a 5 day weekend pour moi, which will unfortunately consist of a lot of working, but what can you do?

Last night was a party and a half, yet again another Wednesday night has conquered Team. Randy, Audrey and Sam picked me up and we peeled over to J's to wait for Anne-Marie. We played a lot of Mortal Combat. I was getting kind of good near the end of it. So fun. We all hopped on the bus, made lots of noise, and went uptown to Jungle Jims. Lots of laughs were had, funny faces made, and gay guys seen.

Clarity

The night took us away from what we knew. The city, the lights, the never ending stream of popularity contests spewing from every angle. We found each other on the cold, hard, ground of sanity within the bounds of our lives. I remember every word you ever spoke to me and the way you looked at me, while I was screaming with a crowd of people at a concert. Tonight is when I found the clarity I have been searching for.

Yet another old piece. I particularily thought it went along well with last nights events though, so I posted it now. If anyone notices that I use a lot of connections in my work with concerts , or music it is just because that is what I can easily identify with.

Music: Protest The Hero - Goddess Bound

Scarves

To our surprise the weather wasn't so bad. We wore our scarves like babies would carry their blankies, and even though the sky was dim and our feet were worn, we still walked hand in hand. The trees served as sheilds from the glaring faces sitting on the benches murmering curses at us. Since it's fall now, the streets grow emptier everyday, except for the pigeons. We still laugh and poke fun at the crazy people that crawl the streets at night and we still long to be together, although you won't admit it. Tomorrow is another day, it will be even colder. I think our scarves will come in handy.

This one was written a long time ago, I don't even remember the date. If anyone sees this from my school and has ever read the school newspaper, you MAY recognize it. It was published.. mostly because I was editor. Nevertheless, I like it. It echoes, once again, the weather in Saint John.

Fortress

All I have to say is I have found the love of my life : The new Protest The Hero album.
I know.. it doesn't come out for another week, and it was leaked, and it is wrong for me to download leaked albums, but I will buy the cd when it comes out! I promise! This is just so good. It doesn't top Kezia, but it is damn close. :)

A Normal Day/ It Gets Dark Early

Surprise, surprise! I am not dead...yet. 3/5 exams and I believe I have done pretty well so far. My mom made me study like a mad man on his way through university in one week. I could barely even stop for 5 minutes to eat a pudding.

Other than that, today was a normal day in Canada. It's snowing and it's cold. I sure hope that tomorrow isn't a snow day...Wow... I can't believe I am actually hoping to go write an exam tomorrow. At least when I'm done on Thursday I get a 5 day weekend and if there is a snow day that is cut down to a 4 day weekend and I can't have that. Besides the fact that I work 3 of 5 days, it is still going to be a relief.

Here is another one of my old selections I have chosen to display here:

It Gets Dark Early

It's been awhile. The days go by slow now, and it gets dark really early. The mornings come too quick and the sun is never exactly warm. I drink egg nog (sometimes with rum) and am thinking about christmas ; I'll never get what I want. It's simple, yet too much to ask for. I'm low on sleep, and low on love. I miss you too much.

Written on November 28 2006.
These are all pretty old, I would imagine. This is kind of emo-esque, and depressing. If you look past the depressing bits , I think it is fairly enigmatic. Of course I like it, but that doesn't mean everyone else does.

Music: HIM - Bury Me Deep Inside Your Heart

Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me.

This week is exam week. How exciting! 1/5 Exams are done. I think I'm going to die before the end of this week.

It's almost been one month since the beginning of 2008 and I must say it really has been a fun start to the new year. New Years was spent at an old co-workers place, J's. I never really hung out with him, but always loved to talk to him. He's a nice guy. I met several other people at that party, and got to see some people that I never really got to know as well as I would have liked. Since that night something new has spawned from it and now I have 6 amazing friends that I seem to be spending all of my time with. Which is good, because I never do anything anyway.

Seems like the last year of my high school career is moving faster than a subway train in Japan. That is by no means any sort of hyperbole. Seems like yesterday I was a scared 8th grader wondering what high school was going to be like. It overwealmed me at first and I did cry on my first day, but in the end I have made amazing friends and figured out who really was my friend in the beginning and who is going to be my friend at the end. Cheesey, I know, but very true.

I'm still the same person I was when I was scared and lonely. I suppose we all have a smaller, scared and lonely version of themselves in them somewhere. Some people just have a very good way of keeping that little kid quiet and out of sight. Some of us can't do that to the poor child and needs to let him or her out once and awhile. I can honestly say that while I was busy maturing, some people around me were, it seems, immaturing by the minute. Unfortunate, I suppose.

Sometimes I wonder what this whole adventure is about. I dare say that around anyone that has a set religion though, I know how that turns out: breaking glass and hyenious shouting. That happened the other night, minus the breaking glass. It really is a shame that some decide they will never listen to another persons ideas again since they already have theirs made up in their heads. It can go the opposite way as well, but I never said I wasn't open to change.

Life is what you make it.
Music: Incubus - Dig

Corner Store

The sun shines brilliantly on the pavement outside the corner store,I stand there waiting for the one I have always been waiting for,the one to show me how to eat a popsicle without spilling it, and how to dance and scream without falling in the mosh.
I wonder why the sun always shines so perfectly while you're in my thoughts,why I can't really eat a popsicle without spilling it,and why I finally learned how to not fall in the mosh,and why it never rains in my heart.
While I wait for you my music plays so loud in my ear bud headphones,the ones i'm not supposed to be wearing in one ear,but I do anyway,only because every song reminds me of you.
The sun starts to fade since it's almost night time,the movie starts soon you better get here fast,we don't want to miss the opening credits,nor do we want to be without our popcorn.
There are only so many things in this world that I can tolerate,and I'm not very patient,but I can say that I would wait forever ; in front of this tiny store,waiting for you and your childish ways.

This one has to be one of my favourites. It was originally written June 29th 2006, and I have read it many times since then. One of the few pieces I have that I am completely happy and proud to have written. It was written for my best friend Kristian. I had a thing for him then, but it rings true that he is childish and I'd do anything for him.

An Angry World

Sometimes the sun sets on an angry world and has to sleep on the couch,
sometimes the sun wakes on a lonely heart and has to comfort it,
and when this happens someone cries,and beds just don't seem as warm.

Sleeping doesn't seem as fulfilling and cream pies don't taste as good,
we don't drink as much coffee,
we don't excercise,
and no one is ever happy.

This was actually written June 6th 2007, but I revamped it and added some more flair. I quite like the outcome. :)

New Blog!

Well I used to have one of these things, but I decided that I was far past that point in my life that if I were to add more to it, it would be like going back to an ancient ruin; I made a new one.

Needless to say, my life is as near perfect as it has ever been at this very moment. School is school, and family life is family life, but I am more content with myself than I have ever been before. That alone is an accomplishment for me. In other areas of my life, well, they are almost non-existnant. I am single, but in love. That's never too good, but I cannot complain.

Anyways, I have chosen a few of my absolute pieces to add to this new blog. They are from a different time of my life, but do think that they help contribute to what I am like now and how I got here.

Music: Incubus - Stellar <3